From Chapter 3 of Sing While You’re Single by Lynn Gilliard…
Breaking the pattern of unhealthy thinking and behaviors related to dating and relationships is an important part of living your life as a single woman who is confident, relaxed, and content.
Where did you get your current mindset about relationships and what it means to be a “real” woman?
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What is your mindset when it comes to men, dating, and your value as a woman? Do you believe that your life will be meaningless if you don’t have a husband and kids? Do you think that it’s okay if a man cheats on you or mistreats you, as long as he comes back to you every night? Do you believe that men are inherently more important than women?
If yes, where do you think those ideas came from?
What It Means to Be a Woman
Let’s analyze for a brief moment what we’ve been taught about what it means to be a woman. Many women are taught that they are only a woman if they bear and raise children. That being a mother is the mark of womanhood, and if you choose not to do so you’re selfish and rejecting your ultimate purpose. So a lot of women rush into motherhood with partners who aren’t ready, willing, or able to be good fathers to meet this requirement.
And what about women who can’t bear children biologically? Does that mean that they are not really women? Of course not. What about a woman who loses her child due to a tragic circumstance—she’s suddenly no longer worthy of being regarded as a woman? Of course not.
Some women are taught that their main aim in life should be to get married. So they rush into marriages with partners who they barely know and who have little to offer. And many do so at very young ages, robbing themselves of important life experiences. If you talk to older women who have been married for decades, many will probably admit that they wish they had pursued their own personal goals instead of being so focused on marriage.
What have you been taught about what it means to be a woman from your elders and society? Just please remember that a woman is a woman forever and always regardless of what she chooses to do. Be confident that no matter what, no one can take your womanhood from you.
The Things Our Mamas Taught Us
For the most part, we learn what it means to be women from our mothers and female relatives. They are the original models for our behavior, thoughts, and actions. That’s why we tend to make the same mistakes that they did in building and maintaining relationships.
I read an online thread recently that discussed how our older relatives sometimes try to get us to compromise our personal beliefs so that we can do what they did. But coincidentally, most of them are either divorced or still married and miserable. Why would they want their young daughters and nieces to do what they did when the outcome wasn’t favorable for them?
The answer is complicated, and I don’t think that all mothers consciously do this to hurt their daughters. I think they do it because that’s all they know, and because that’s what they were taught. They are afraid of what will happen to their daughters if they don’t have a man to take care of them. In their generation, women weren’t always able to work at stable jobs and be self-sufficient. They haven’t yet adjusted to the idea that women have more opportunities now—even when they are single.
Religion adds another layer. “The bible says” is often the first thing you’ll hear when talking to women who have old-school beliefs about men and marriage. Many passages also tell people that suffering is good and noble. So, it’s no surprise that a lot of women choose to suffer in unhappy or abusive relationships generation after generation.
When I was young, I was taught that a woman’s sole goal in life was to be married and have kids. I didn’t have the insight at that time to see that this narrative was being sold to me by women who were in miserable marriages and living very unfulfilled lives. I went after this goal telling myself that I would be married by 25 and have kids by 28, blah, blah, blah. I nearly got married and did just that (twice), but I changed my mind when I started to realize it just wasn’t in my best interest for a number of reasons.
From a young age, I’ve studied women like Susan B. Anthony who didn’t want to get married like her friends, yet she lived a life that was fulfilling in terms of her career and goals. She went down in history for her unconventional choices. I think that those early influences helped me to avoid several unfavorable outcomes in the future.
Einstein said, “Never lose a holy curiosity.” I think that it’s always healthy to think for yourself and question things. You have to develop your own mindset about what it means to be a woman and what you’re looking for out of life. Take your time and don’t let anyone, including family members, rush you into making poor choices.
Change Your Mind, Change Your Life
To get to a place where you are truly okay with being a single woman for the time being, you have to do battle with everything that has taught you that a man is what makes you complete as a woman. This is not going to be an easy fight because at every stage of your life from the first time you entered elementary school to the day you started your first real job, you have been taught that to be happy, fulfilled, and complete as a woman you need to find a man.
You probably receive this message every day, whether quietly or loudly, from your parents, friends, and even colleagues at work. I’m sure you’ve had that one colleague who constantly talks about her “other half,” then tells you with a pitying expression that you’ll find your special someone one day. Reality TV shows starring women almost always show their endless pursuit of men. They would do anything to be able to say they have a boyfriend or husband to their castmates, including date abusive and opportunistic men. For them, being labeled single in public is worse than being used and abused behind closed doors.
What would it take for you to stop looking at these people as your influencers and simply look at them as other people who are having different experiences? Their opinions about what guarantees a happy life do not have to be the same as yours.